What to
Tell a Child.
You have the right to be safe in your home...
- Don't Try To Get In
The Middle Of The Abuse!
It is not safe for you to try to stop the abuse or
to protect your mom. Remember, it is your job to keep
yourself safe!
- If You Can Get To
A Phone Safely, Call 9-1-1!
Tell the police where you are and what is happening.
The person on the phone will talk to you until the
police arrive. Remember, you don’t need money
if you use a pay phone.
- Get To A Safe Place!
Practice how to get out of your home safely. Which
doors, windows, or stairs would be best? Which neighbor
can you go to for help?
- It's Not Your Fault!
Remember, the violence against you or against your
mom is never your fault. No one has the right to hurt
or threaten you.
Are you afraid...
Tell a Safe Person.
If you need to talk with a safe
person about any of these problems, tell:
- A Teacher
- A Crisis Advocate
- Your School Police Officer
- Someone in your Family
- Your School Counselor
- Someone at your Place of Worship
- Another Person you Trust
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| WHAT
IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE? |
Domestic Violence
is when one person uses hitting, hurting, name-calling,
or threats to make another person do what they say.
It happens with people that are married, divorced, dating
or living together.
Domestic violence happens because one person believes
they have a right to have power and control over their
partner. It is not about anger, alcohol or drugs.
Domestic violence occurs in every part of our society.
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| WHAT
IS SEXUAL ASSAULT? |
Sexual assault
is sexual contact with anyone who cannot or does not
give informed consent.
Sexual assault is any touching in any place or in any
way that makes you feel uncomfortable.
It is OK to say NO if someone tries to touch you in
ways that make you feel frightened, confused or uncomfortable.
It is not your fault if someone touches you in a way
that is not OK. You don't have to keep secrets about
those touches.
Some secrets are good secrets. An example of a good
secret is a birthday gift. A bad secret would be if
someone touched you and then told you not to tell anyone.
It is never too late to ask for help. You can keep asking
until you get the help you need.
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| IMPORTANT
PHONE NUMBERS. |
| Police |
911 |
. |
| Alcohol &
Drug Abuse Hotline |
(800) 821-4357 |
24 Hours |
| Child Abuse
Reporting |
(541) 479-8244 |
. |
| HIV/AIDS Hotline |
(800) 342-2437 |
24 Hours |
| HOME Youth
Resource Center |
(503) 391-6428 |
. |
| HOST Teen
Shelter |
(503) 581-5535 |
24 Hours |
| Mano a Mano |
(503) 363-1895 |
. |
| Planned Parenthood
Hotline |
(800) 230-7526 |
. |
| Runaway Hotline |
(800) 621-4000 |
24 hours |
| Suicide Hotline
|
(800) 784-2433 |
24 hours |
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| QUESTIONS
AND CONCERNS FOR MOM. |
Dear Survivor,
This Section contains information inspired by the questions
and concerns of mothers who have fled domestic violence
to emergency shelters. However, no mother or child is
exactly the same, nor the circumstances that they have
endured, many of their questions and concerns are identical.
This section addresses these questions and concerns
to hopefully provide answers or guidance for yourself
and your children. If you are seeking information that
is not provided, it may be helpful to contact your local
domestic violence program for additional support. This
is not the fault of yourself or your children. You are
not alone.
Information
inspired from the questions and concerns of moms who
have been there.
Whose Fault is It?
The only person at fault is the abuser. You may want
to blame yourself and your children may want to blame
you or themselves. However, no matter what you did or
said, or didn’t do or didn’t say, it is
not the cause for abuse. The only cause is the abusers
personal choice to use abuse to maintain power and control
over you and the children.
The Abuser as a "Bad Guy".
There may be times when you feel the need to talk negatively
about the abuser. Though this may be helpful for you,
it is not helpful for your children and they may distance
themselves from you. Try to refrain from these comments
in front of the children. It is common for your children
to still love the abuser and miss him, especially if
he is their father. They have a right to feel this way,
so acknowledge how they feel. When talking to them about
the abuser, don’t talk about what a bad person
he is, but about the bad choice(s) he made. What were
those bad choices? What happened and how do you feel
because of those choices? What were some good choices
he could have made instead? What would have happened
if he had made a good choice? How would you feel if
he made a good choice? This helps your children realize
that the abuser was/is in control of everything he did
and said, while not making him the "Bad Guy".
It also reassures them that it’s not their fault,
nor yours.
Your Children Know.
Children are very aware of what has happened. Even if
they were in another room, at school, or asleep, they
know what’s going on. Children hear it, feel it,
and see it. Many children will say they knew "dad
wasn’t nice to mom", and it scared them.
It’s Okay to Cry.
Many moms feel they need to hide their tears so they
"look strong and together" in front of their
children. Crying is a part of healing and it will not
make your children think you are weak. Sometimes letting
your children know that you all are a "team"
can help create that healing bond so when you need each
other you’ll know that their support is a safe
option. We also recommend outside support such as a
domestic violence support group to help you through
your healing process.
"My Children Hate Me".
It is common for children to say they "hate you"
or are "mad at you". This does not mean they
really hate you; they just hate what has happened and
how they feel. Being mad at you is a lot safer than
being mad at the abuser. Sometimes saying they "hate
you" is the only way they can think of to convey
their confusion, fear, anger, and pain. This may be
a good opportunity to discuss their feelings, answer
their questions, or just provide support. It’s
also okay to let them know that those words are hurtful
to you, but you acknowledge how they are feeling.
"Will My Child Be an Abuser Too?"
Most children will not. Just because your child witnessed
domestic violence DOES NOT mean he/she will be an abuser.
This is a myth. Most children want the opposite of what
they have witnessed. They strive to end the cycle of
abuse and help those who have gone through the same
situation.
"But He/She Kicks, Hits, and Yells".
This does not mean your child is an abuser. When kids
feel safe they may act out. Now that they are safe from
abuse they feel free to express the confusion, hurt,
fear, and any other emotions they may feel. Sometimes
they express this by kicking, hitting, or yelling but
this doesn’t mean your child is an abuser because
he/she isn’t targeting one person and feels more
comfortable expressing emotions in this way right now.
Work with them to develop new options for expressing
how they feel in ways that don’t hurt others.
Talk about the good choices they can make instead.
Spanking.
Spanking is a temporary solution for a permanent situation.
Spanking teaches your children that the bigger and stronger
you are, the more power you have. Above all, they learn
that it is okay to hit someone. The use of positive
discipline is more appropriate and teaches your child
how to behave. Reward them for good behavior (compliments,
stickers, etc.) and take away privileges or add chores
for bad behavior. "Time outs", choices, communication,
and your example are also beneficial.
"But He’s a Good Father".
No he’s not. Even if he’s "good with
the kids", he is abusing you (mom) and placing
your children in fear. Also, the number one predictor
of child abuse is domestic violence. Your children are
also in danger from him.
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